Downcast by the internal war I battled within myself on Sunday, I am uplifted by the loving and encouraging words by my friend.

As I went along this journey, I have managed to completely forget my first love and why I first started this. And so when someone comes along to challenge the 'trophy' I believed to have worked so hard to achieve and threatened to take it all away from me; I felt a sense of isolation. Deep, scary sense of isolation.

What went wrong? 
What went so wrong with me that I begin to think this of myself and behave this way?

The reality of my 'diverge' hit me hard. Should I have held on to my first focus on how this all started, I should not have to experience this sense of loss and hopelessness and fear.

Yet with Him, there is always Hope and there is always a way out.
And I am working my way back again.

Also, with the job hunt going on since last month, I got momentarily disappointed by the fact the XXX Company did not call and perhaps will not call. The first week of waiting was filled with anxiety and fear that I would be thoroughly disheartened should I miss this opportunity - which to me, is the best and greatest for me.

Then again, I got reminded by God's word with ODJ. The very sentences and reminders that hit me were "If He is powerful enough to contain the boundaries of the oceans, then certainly He has the strength to sustain us through all things - even life-altering pain. More than a peripheral glance, we are the apple of His eye. His perspective, however, often involves answers beyond our comprehension. Peace comes in knowing that He sees completely, anticipating our need."

Job 38:1-18 wow-ed me. I stopped short of a heartbeat or something.
Read this.
 ¹ Then the LORD answered Job out of the storm. He said:

 ² "Who is this that darkens my counsel
       with words without knowledge?

 ³ Brace yourself like a man;
       I will question you,
       and you shall answer me.

 ⁴ "Where were you when I laid the earth's foundation?
       Tell me, if you understand.

 ⁵ Who marked off its dimensions? Surely you know!
       Who stretched a measuring line across it?

 ⁶ On what were its footings set,
       or who laid its cornerstone-

 ⁷ while the morning stars sang together
       and all the angels  shouted for joy?

 ⁸ "Who shut up the sea behind doors
       when it burst forth from the womb,

 ⁹ when I made the clouds its garment
       and wrapped it in thick darkness,

 ¹⁰ when I fixed limits for it
       and set its doors and bars in place,

 ¹¹ when I said, 'This far you may come and no farther;
       here is where your proud waves halt'?

 ¹² "Have you ever given orders to the morning,
       or shown the dawn its place,

 ¹³ that it might take the earth by the edges
       and shake the wicked out of it?

 ¹⁴ The earth takes shape like clay under a seal;
       its features stand out like those of a garment.

 ¹⁵ The wicked are denied their light,
       and their upraised arm is broken.

 ¹⁶ "Have you journeyed to the springs of the sea
       or walked in the recesses of the deep?

 ¹⁷ Have the gates of death been shown to you?
       Have you seen the gates of the shadow of death?

 ¹⁸ Have you comprehended the vast expanses of the earth? 
       Tell me, if you know all this.

Into the second week of waiting, all anxieties ceased and I thank God I didn’t need to feel all resentful for missing this. Surreptitiously, I had a feeling of peace and certainty that somehow, somewhere, another door will be opened and I will be basking in joy and thankfulness for being delivered to that place. That'll be when I'll look back at those heart-wrenching weeks of waiting and missing a 'known' good opportunity; thinking how silly it was of me to be so faithless. And then guess what? The whole cycle re-starts itself again on different circumstance and you see yourself going through the same thing.

I went through that before and so I should know for sure He has never allowed me to walk away from my destiny or fail to reach the place I ought to be in order to be trained and to grow.

Carol, my work-mate at LP, encouraged me to journal these moments down so I will be reminded of such again, perhaps in the future when I need it. We had a good conversation going during lunch today and I felt the full pleasure and goodness of God saturating me. I thank God we each have our special little episodes to share and encourage.

Last evenings QT, I was asked "What can we count on?" So timely for me when I felt isolated; bearing all and having nothing left after my mad episodes of gathering little achievements and pride to make me feel secure and accomplished.
It says that in the midst of an uncertain world, we may long for the certainties of job, income, professional growth, and work relationships - but those are just superficial.

Wow, so I have been pretty much superficial. 

The true certainties of our hearts long for run much deeper.

I am confronted with the truth - It may be that the pressures we feel are a result of pursuing the wrong goals. A right relationship with God is significant because of who He is, and because a relationship with Him is the one thing that lasts forever. In Him, we have an eternal supply that this world cannot destroy.

How unshakable is that? Simply awesome, isn't it?

Our pain can grow our faith. We dread pain, largely because we see it as negative. The fact is, however, that our struggles can provide opportunities for us to grow in ways that times of ease could never produce.

Awesome. (:

First day of February already?! How fast time files. Feels like only last week we had our countdown into the New Year. Lately, I realised I had little forbearance for the realisation of my age this year. I always thought I was twenty but slowly the consciousness of the young and beautiful twenties started surfacing and I am drawn to the fact that I am three years ahead of what I thought I was. Chey, hate that. Not that I have an issue with old age, or aging. It is the need to know I have accomplished much and thoroughly enjoyed the privilege of being twenty. I can pretend I know not much, I can be excused for the intolerable nonsense I blabber forth and knowing people are simply waiting for me to grow up and grow up wise. Eh, almost three years have gone by, what is the difference? Not much. And that's sad. Very sad. I hate to think about it.

Anyways, being ill isn't fun. The two days of medical leave left me feeling lonely, useless and wasted. I did nothing but eat, take anti-biotic, watch TV, eat, consume anti-biotic again, read, sleep and eat. I felt like I wasted one life. But then again, it was only two days. It was depressive enough. What is wrong with me?

I like to be up and running, screaming and shouting, jumping and leaping and doing things that I like.

Oh wells, the throat no longer hurts and I enjoyed this evening thoroughly. I took my own sweet time and cooked porridge (instant ones, they taste yummy) for myself. I diced some carrots; taking time to ensure there are mini cube-sized. Added two sausages; each of a different flavor, poured in leafy green veggies and cracked an egg. It turned out to be a super big bowl of colorful yummy porridge. I consumed them and entertained myself with a pretty old film starring Drew Barrymore Riding in the Cars with Boys. I read my book and completed Time Traveler’s Wife. I played on the piano and managed to enjoy just playing the songs that I like than bother about the technicalities of it. I am stressed enough about it already. I did my QT and I am going to sleep, a happy girl.

I am going to shoot some zombies tomorrow. I hope I don’t dream about them.

I am refusing to start on my last assignment. I have no urge to start writing but I will try again tomorrow.

Yes, inspired by the song by Jason Mraz, still my favorite, this song Sleep All Day accords with a day like this morning. It's pouring 'peacefully' the entire morning. It was very hard to force myself out of my bed, what with the thick pink comforter comforting me and keeping me cosy and warm. Still, I surely cannot be late again when work starts at 10am! It is a luxury already, I tell myself.

A morning like that puts me in a very very good mood. Oh, and I had homemade breakfast! Grandma prepared whole meal sandwich with sunny side-up, chicken fillet, lettuce and tomatoes. So wholesome, too lovely.

With school, I am only two lectures, one presentation and one assignment away from being done for good. Well, it's an array of mixed feelings. It drags us all down having to travel to and from school four times a week, do so much work and cramp them all within this month. Yet, the friends I have to work with and the synergy we get when we got something really good going is a euphoric feeling. Having been through 1.5 years of school, it wasn't easy but given a choice to choose this again, I surely would. The different groups of people you get to work with seriously makes all the difference. We have kai-su queens, chill-lax but analytic people, i'll-volunteer-to-bring-my-lap-top ladies, i'll-finish-up-the-whole-article-with-whatever-you-guys-have-done chaps, awesome talented writers and people with nothing to offer but only splendid ideas... Put all these together and you get something really good going.

It's a joy yet it is also a miserable thing to complete projects, meet deadlines, strive to do exceedingly well in the midst of working with different people and managing your own schedule and commitments.

Previously I came across a magazine article on how people are always rushing towards a goal... rushing towards completing something hence reaching the end fast and furious to which they feel empty because they totally missed the point. They forgot to enjoy the process of it. And so, I am ever so proud to say I have enjoyed the process of all of this. I’ve made some great friends, learnt some new knowledge, my mind’s been challenged and stretched, experienced some jokes-of-the-century moments, and I am graduating with a Degree in Mass Comm!!! Hoo-ray!

The song goes like this:

I see the king of glory
Coming on the clouds with fire
The whole earth shakes
The whole earth shakes


I see His love and mercy
Washing over all our sin
The people sing
The people sing

[Chorus]
Hosanna
Hosanna
Hosanna in the highest [x2]

I see a generation
Rising up to take their place
With selfless faith
With selfless faith

I see a near revival
Stirring as we pray and seek
We're on our knees
We're on our knees

[Bridge]

Heal my heart and make it clean
Open up my eyes to the things unseen
Show me how to love like You have loved me

Break my heart from what breaks Yours
Everything I am for Your kingdoms cause
As I go from earth into Eternity

What arrests my heart are words that formed the Bridge of this song. I remembered how the words were sung with such fervent and urgency and how every word of the bridge contains so much meaning, so much desire that were being spoken for you. The very words that you can sing aloud to God, that made so much sense and meaning to what you've always wanted to tell Him but could never have formed the words so perfectly like the song had done.

I used to sing and pray so very hard for God to 'heal my heart and make it clean, open up my eyes to the things unseen, show me how to love like You've loved me'. I wanted very much to be a clean vessel for God to use, to see the things that people do not see; see what God can see and love those who are unlovely, those that people find hard to love perhaps because they do not 'match' up to a certain 'invisible' standard that society sets?